Survive An Affair...

"I Wanted To Strangle My Husband Ray When I Caught Him Red-Handed In An Affair" "I Felt So Devastated, Enraged and Humiliated. I Never Dreamed I Could Save My Marriage, Let Alone Trust Him Again..." Wednesday, 11:13 a.m. Dr. Frank Gunzburg Dear Friend, Almost everyone was watching Grandpa open his gifts except the few who saw Ray and Kathy out of the corners of their eyes. Those who witnessed it were shocked and amazed. Those who heard about it were relieved. Even Kathy's daughter, hidden in the corner of the room, saw it and wrestled back her tears of joy. As Ray sat alienated in the back, he felt a hand slip softly into his. Looking down, he recognized the fingers he'd known for years laced lovingly through his hand. He glanced up slowly to see Kathy's reassuring face as she gave him a smile. ...And That's When I Knew Ray And Kathy Were Turning The Corner. No longer was Ray cold and defensive, backed into his corner of isolation. No longer was Kathy feeling emotionally shipwrecked, paralyzed with humiliating images of Ray in the arms of the other woman. ...tormented by her unanswered questions. ....devastated after having her complete self-worth sabotaged. After only a few weeks, something major was starting to change. Suddenly, talking about the details didn't feel like taking a walk in a minefield. Kathy's emotions were finally starting to be under her control and no longer holding her hostage. Ray began to open up and communicate with sincerity and humility. He gently allowed her to express the trauma she experienced without arguing or throwing it back in her face (more on Ray and Kathy's story in a second). At this point, I realized that the consistent methods I have been using for 30 years would work for almost anyone (if at least one of them is willing to start before it is too late). You see, I'm not going to lie to you. Restoring Trust After The Affair Might Sound Like An Empty Promise Or Too Good To Be True, But It Is Possible. Not only have I seen it, but I have helped people take control by equipping them with a 3-phase system that can restore their relationship with more honesty, safety, and intimacy than before the affair (even if their spouse isn't yet willing). My name is Dr. Frank Gunzburg. For 15 of my 59 years, I have lived in Baltimore, Maryland with my wife Sandy, our five children, and our six grandchildren. For the most part, I'd say it's been a quiet life, except for one thing. Over the last 30 years, I have fought in the trenches alongside couples who are desperate to save their marriages after affairs. Some come to me hopeful, some come cold and battle-hardened, and others come alone, uncertain, and praying that I can breath life back into their near-dead relationship. After three decades of specializing in marriage counseling, I've seen many people give up. I've seen many relationships where the couples put off healing too long and eventually cause irreparable damage. More importantly, I've seen the majority of my couples overcome what they imagined to be unbeatable odds by restoring their relationship and making it better than before the affair. Sound hard to believe? Perhaps, but all I ask is that you refrain from disbelieving until I show you proof. Imagine this... what if I told you that the magic bullet for rebuilding your relationship included one or more of the following ten actions: Talking. Asking for forgiveness. Reading self-help books. Praying. Sending letters, cards, and flowers. Being more attentive. Going to counseling. Setting boundaries. Discussing the details and answering all questions. Meeting each other's needs. You might say I'm right, or you might say you've tried these and many more things and they simply don't work. In April 2004, right before I finished outlining my affair-healing system, I performed an extensive survey of 300 willing couples who all had one thing in common - a relationship ripped apart by an affair. In addition to 30 extensive questions, I asked them to list the top 10 things they tried in an attempt to heal their relationship. The list above is the result of this study (with talking leading the pack at 58%). However, despite all that hard work (including counseling), only 55% were willing to continue the relationship. (Of those who were willing to continue, 71% stayed because of the children.) Like Kathy, many were ready to call it quits. So, what was the problem? Successfully repairing your relationship is not about doing a lot of hard work; it's a system. This system is about doing the right things, BUT more importantly, doing them in the right order. You see, all of the things listed above can be good, but most of the time they are performed in the wrong order. Let me explain with an example. Talking About The Details Of The Affair Can Be The Difference Between Staying Together And Splitting Up. Fact: Of 1083 married couples surveyed, out of the group who discussed the affair in great detail, 86% remained married. Out of the group who discussed the affair very little, only 55% remained married. A survey performed in 2002 by Peggy Vaughan and the BAN network - www.dearpeggy.com When you choose to talk about the details is more important than if you talk about the details. Here's why: when your spouse drops the bomb of their affair, it is one of the most shocking and devastating experiences you can go through. The mental and physical pain can be too much to bear. With Kathy, the shock of the news left her emotionally paralyzed. "After many weeks of lying numb in bed, I tried to get my life back together, but this horrible combination of emotions kept coming up. At first I just felt rage: a kind of anger I have never felt before and pray to God I never feel again. "Slowly the rage turned into hatred. I wanted to kill him. I mean I really wanted to kill him. I scared myself with the images that ran through my head. I can't tell you how many times I thought about going into the kitchen and getting the butcher knife. It scares me to talk about it even now. I had no idea I was capable of such feelings of violence. "Eventually I realized these emotions were masking what I really felt deep down inside: betrayed, humiliated, and defeated. What's more, I felt very, very sad. I felt like someone had died, and in a sense, someone had. At the time, I felt like the life I had worked so hard for was dead. I was the one who had died. My rage and hate were like a shield against these softer emotions. My heart hurt so much I didn't even want to feel. The heart can really break you know. Mine has. I've felt it." - Kathy Brown Because of the intense pain you're going through, talking about the details at this stage in the game most likely will only confirm the negative feelings you already have about yourself. This will do nothing to help you cope. In addition, most couples experience a regression in their relationship after they discuss the details. However, if both of you are emotionally prepared, you will quickly recover, thus making the experience healthy. This is why I show you how to talk about the details after I've empowered you to take control over your emotions in the first phase of my 3-phase healing system Three Specific Phases For Restoring The Trust Back Into Your Relationship. Many say time can be a great healer; however, when left without a map, most people usually get lost and drift further apart. As much as time has the ability to heal, it can also have a negative impact. Letting your emotions run wild and doing the wrong things over and over can eventually disable you and kill your chances at surviving the affair. For months, Kathy bought Ray gifts, tried being nice, hid her anger, convinced him to set boundaries, and even encouraged him to talk through the details. Despite her hard work, every time they would try to talk they would tailspin out of control. When they sat down to work things out, emotions would ignite and they would either engage in a ruthless argument or simply shut each other out. For example, Kathy would try to force Ray to share the details, but every time he would she would burst into tears and eventually start yelling. (Every time they sat down to talk, Ray became more and more reserved because he feared going through the same emotional roller coaster - he simply shut her out.) Also, Ray was trying to move on in the relationship before understanding what drove him to have an affair in the first place. (Telling Kathy that she needed to "get over it" was like trying to hammer a bent nail into the wall- it would never work.) Kathy bought all the main-stream marriage books, watched the talk shows, and even bought a few marriage videos. She tried almost everything they suggested, but still felt disconnected, hopeless, and frustrated. Once she stumbled onto my information, she was almost without hope. After listening to her for 20 minutes, I told her the following three things with which she and Ray needed help: Kathy needed help taking control of her turbulent emotions, fighting off negative thoughts and restoring her self-worth so she could functionally communicate her pain to Ray. (Without believing the lie that it was her fault and drowning in a pool of self-hatred.) Ray needed help uncovering the reasons why he had the affair and understanding the pain Kathy was going through so he could give her an opportunity to heal and forgive him. (Knowing this information would prevent it from happening again.) Ray and Kathy needed help working together through the 10 dimensions of their relationship to slowly, but permanently, rebuild the trust in order to affair-proof their marriage. I explain the solution as three separate issues because that's the way I look at the relationship after an affair (the injured, the person who cheated, and the relationship). Both the injured and the cheater need to sort out specific issues before they can begin to work on the "relationship." Because of the trauma and alienation that an affair...

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